I am sure that majority of us can seem like good people, at least, no violence, no black lies, no stealing, etc. And I believe that the amount of “seems good” people is getting higher. Optimistically, we are more open and we are moving towards a more co-operative culture. However, it’s only a facade, like me. I’ve always thought that I am a genuinely good person both outside and inside, I have nothing to hide and I have no intention to cause damage to anyone.
Though to be totally honest. There is a devil inside me. I am going to be blatantly exposing one of my dark side. (in my opinion, i think this is pretty bad)
And it’s jealously. Even before the today’s world of social media, I had this one thought in mind. “I wish those people to be worse than me”. The pang/the sudden little voice made me cringe at the thought. Why do I have to be like this. With influences from peers, from parents and from others surrounding me, there was an expectation. Even if in reality they did not actually mean it when they say those words. It built up the pressure on me. And when I think that I am not enough, I will resort to make others lower. At least, in my mind, they should be lower. And then I will feel the so-called “progress”, when in fact, there is no such progress. I was making myself lower.
Although those thoughts had never been translated into action, I was disturbed at the dark sinful things I conjured nonetheless. And I made effort to write it here now that I could, more than 90% wipe those thoughts away.
My past jealously did not spare even my cousins. I think one of the source starts from my relatives and parents (and most of all, myself, who am I to blame?). My parents has never taught me to be jealous of other people. Though their words had influenced me somehow, whenever I hear my parents spoke about other people progress and my progress, comparing them to me. I couldn’t help but to resort to the thought of “I have to be better” to make parents proud and to keep their on-going good impression. And the grandparents would also speak about their nieces progress which further make my parents want to present their children even more. Of course every parents want to portray their kid’s good side and achievement. This keeps going on and on.
It is no more.
I have just finished talking to my cousin (mother’s side) or my other sister. She lives with my grandmother, her only remaining son (my aunt) and grandmother’s sister; her mother went to work outside of Bangkok ever since she was young. Could I possibly call that a home… Life there…Everyday would be filled with negative comments, sneers and scoldings. Luckily I have never been treated like that. I thought that grandmother has changed several years ago. I was wrong when she told me one past story that I have already forgotten or have never known but she could remember it as clear as day.
We were so young back then; I, my brother went to play at grandmother’s house. I was talking to my brother, and seemed like she wanted to join the fun. But grandmother stopped her midway to us scolding her that she should not mess with other sibling business. Those words have created a scar in her heart. She kept questioning herself about why she does not have a right to associate herself with others. I kept going on and on, I have not acknowledge such things until these recent years.
There are many more stories and events that add up the bad environment she has been in, however they are not the point I would like to make. The thing is, she is one-strong girl I’ve ever met. I admit, if I were to be in her circumstances, I would freaked out or become one of those hopeless weaklings being negatively dominated on daily basis. And I think more than half of the children raised in that environment would never made such progress. The she now is like a caged swan waiting to be out, spreading her wings exploring what the world has to offer. Such open-minded, analytical, nice and beautiful young lady she turned out to be. So much potential yet too little confident, I assumed it’s the side effect of being raised in such way. I believe that the phrase before transitioning to adult-life (work-life) is crucial to how one will be in a society. by the end of the call it was I encouraging her and acknowledging her strength, her voice was cracking. I want her to know that when there is no one but herself, she can talk to me.
All those jealously had suddenly perished by the thought of acknowledging her strength. That led to the thought of blaming myself for such evil thoughts on innocent people (for a second) now I have realised my fault, and I have forgiven myself. 🙂 (so fast lol …my policy: don’t indulge, move on, learn and be even better!)
The thing is, everyone has their story whether it be good ones or bad ones (but majority of us only want to let others know the happy side) it is no use being jealous of other people, Wishing someone worse does not make you higher. We are trying to show other people the best version of ourselves. So instead of trying to push people down mentally (or turned into action someday), we should try bringing each other up and appreciate their effort/strengths and unrelating energy to pursue their dreams. We are all struggling and they are probably even face more obstacle than you. The jealously will fade once you have acknowledge their effort and strengths.
I advised her to move out and stay with other positive open-minded auntie but her house is quite far away form public transport… Or she come share my room when I come back from Japan (I’m thinking haven’t talk to her yet) I am by no means, superior than her, though if I can be of any help I will do the best I can. She is, after all, my other sister.
Thanks to her, I have achieve one step nearer to eliminating my devil. I do not know as to how many devils I have. But I hope to become a better version of myself as time goes.
And this is my story of the day,